Date: old

Updated:

Well Pirate be as Pirate do, that’s how it ought to be
A mighty tale I’ll have to tell, is how it seems to me
Round five and twenty years ago, when I were just a lad,
Them scurvy Munchkins took me from me mother and me dad
Not half me height, but keen and crafty, demons from the deep
They stole inside, they stole upstairs, they stole me in me sleep
When I awakened, aye, we were surrounded by the sea
And ne’er have I since returned, a pirate’s life for me!
I worked the galley, dawn ‘til dusk, a lowly, stinkin’ slave,
I served the Munchkins, fed myself what scraps a boy could save
Below the deck I met a fine lass, Gracie were her name
Her indigestion gripped her; she were gorgeous all the same.
I told ‘er “Gracie darlin’, one day—mark my words!—one day,
We’ll leave these scallawaggers and together sail away!
We’ll find some place that’s pure and clean, with children and balloons
A paradise where all the streets are paved in gold dubloons!
Aye, years we toiled, we swabbed the deck with sweat and blood and tears
The sea Munchkins grew sloppy as we sailed away our years
They stopped the whippin’s, fed me meat, and even shared their grog
Though slave I be, I were to them no more a scurvy dog
Until—at last!—from down below, one starry night, I saw
The key to my own shackles, left atop a pile o’ straw
I reached for it, but if it were that easy, matey, aye,
My arms were leagues away, I had to sit right back and sigh
But then—a roaming Octopus I took to calling Joe
Caught on to where my eyes were set (they’re very sharp, you know)
Ol’ Joe had fearsome tentacles, he grabbed that key with ease
Undid my shackles straightaway, I thanked him with some cheese.
And so, to keep my promise to my darlin’, bless her soul,
I tiptoed from the brig, a Munchkin’s cutlass thar I stole
Arrr, ‘ere he could cry out, I quickly slashed the bilge rat’s neck
And, smartly as a dolphin, made me way across the deck
That night I slew a dozen-dozen Munchkins as they slept
Just like they done to me—a fitting fate! Then, aye, I wept.
For Gracie, when I found her, were a painful sight to see
That very night—afraid, alone—she died of dysent’ry.
And so I sail, where’er wind blows, a cap’n with a crew
I hoist the jolly roger! Aye! A pirate through and through
I’ve sailed to Indones-i-a, I’ve sailed to Kathmandu,
I’ve seen the North Pole, matey, and I’ve seen the South Pole too
I’ve wrestled giant lobsters and the Kraken—fearsome, he
I’ve slain the legendary Fligga-Flubbadiddle-Dee
I’ve rescued seven princesses (I kidnapped two meself)
I’ve partied in Atlantis with a Caribbean Elf!
And yo-ho-ho, my journey here be almost at an end
Exhausted by my travels and deserted by my friends
I sail the River Styx, alone, in search of brighter shores
To find my darlin’ Gracie and to tell her “lass, I’m yours”
But who am I to tempt these waters? Mortal, aye, I be
But mayhaps not for long, methinks, the grave be houndin’ me
Me corsair’s now a dinghy, and me cutlass be a knife
Me hat has one more feather, and I’m clingin’ fast to life
I’ve buckled swash, I’ve cheated death, I’ve sailed eleven seas
But never have I seen a bunch o’ waves the likes o’ these.
A dozen-dozen angry spectres chill me to the bone
The Munchkins! Back for vengeance! I can hear them hiss and moan
A horde of wayward spirits without body, without home
Avast thar! They be tearin’ at me breeches from the gloam!
But wait—Ahoy!—a warm glow through the mist lies right ahead
And on I must—can I make land before I wind up dead?
A Munchkin grips my shoe, my pistol fires to no avail
As I begin to wonder what what should happen if I fail
Well Pirate be as Pirate do, that’s how it ought to be
A mighty tale I’ll have to tell…